Vasilios Theodorakis – An Online Author

“Letting go of a dream is sometimes harder to cope with than death and dying.” Unless one’s had to do both its difficult to understand how this could be the case. Unfortunately I’ve had to abandon both my original dreams and cope with numerous near death experiences. For me, not being able to fulfill my dream of becoming a scientist, was much harder to deal with than medical conditions that could have ended my life at any moment!

This might not be the case for everyone, but was certainly the case for me. 25 years have now passed since I had to walk away from the idea of training and working in physics. At the time I didn’t realise the dream was unraveling and would never be fulfilled. Then again, in 1985 I was an above average “horribly blinkered” adolescent, who couldn’t see that anything else existed in life other than my one and only goal. The notion of not reaching that goal was (for me), far more horrific than death.

To emphasise what effect this had on me – years after I pulled out of my Science degree, I still had PTSD flashbacks during stressful events in my life. These flashbacks were not related to any near death experience but instead involved reliving a Pure Mathematics exam I had failed. For me – life ending, was more about leaving behind my dreams than physically dying (and being revived in hospital).

So how did I get past this blockage in life and let go of the unfulfilled dream? It took a long time but once I was able to find a new vehicle for my scientific interests, it was no longer an issue. i.e. it and I finally found a home in my Sci-Fi writing.

Does this mean that I’ve created real closure for the pain and loss I experienced all those years ago? I can’t say for certain, but what I do know is this – I don’t have the flashbacks anymore and that’s got to be a good sign. Psychologically speaking, no one ever fully recovers from extreme loss (this is a fact) – the passage of time just ensures its less intense. For example, today I have written and uploaded this posting from my old campus while working on my Sci-Fi manuscript at the university’s main library. This should have acted as a trigger factor and produced negative feelings (as occured in the past) but the experience has been nothing but positive. ;)

Copyright © Vasilios Theodorakis 2010

I’ve never quite mastered the art of compromise and have paid for this dearly, missing out on financial gain, credibility and peace of mind.

Years ago I had the opportunity to become a priest – it’s a long story, but lets just say I knew people who were prepared to make it happen, as long as I was prepared to turn a blind eye to the nationalistic heresy (phyletism) that’s rife in the Orthodox Church. Going down that path might have guaranteed me a life of security, credibility and a warm fuzzy feeling that I was helping the Faith. At the time though, I had lived by my wits and by the grace of God for so long that I could not discern whether I’d be taking on the role because of the benefits or because of a genuine desire for spiritual service. The benefits on offer, for someone who had been as deprived as I had been, were just a little too tempting and I could not risk following through on such a decision. If I did, there would always be some doubt (in my mind) as to my motivations. And so, my work for “The Big Guy” continued to occur on the fringe, with no financial gain or personal benefit.

Even though passing up the offer was extremely difficult on me and a slap in the face for those who were supporting me, I felt it was the right decision. In making it, I had (as a minimum) not compromised a promise I made to myself, which was, to lay down one’s life in service to Christ – not language, not culture and definitely not country. With this as my bottom line, I’ve subsequently inched forward and worked towards teaching others as much as I can about the Faith. As happens on a regular basis however, my local church yet again made a mockery of everything I’ve fought for since 1983.

This evening, my wife and I tried to attend the Orthodox Christian service of “Matins of the Lamentations” which is about paying one’s respect to Christ in the tomb. This happens before the resurrection service tomorrow night. Instead of Roman soldiers guarding the tomb however, we were presented with children dressed in their great grandparent’s national dress. In addition to this, not a word of English was spoken or chanted during the service – English, by the way, is the only language these children understand. I’m sure I wouldn’t have reacted so badly, if the language being spoken was still understood by more than a handful of the congregation, but the language (in use) is as foreign to these people, as Latin was to the Roman Catholics in the 20th century.

Before going on, I should also point out that one of my own failings is that I haven’t learnt how to stomach the ignorance these people display for the Faith or the way they discriminate against outsiders. Let’s put aside for a moment, that every time someone like me walks into a church we get looked up and down for not dressing in the “right” clothes, or for having long hair and a pony tail – this pretentiousness and discrimination is far too entrenched to change in a hurry. What I can’t put aside however, is that in 2010, they’re still unable to differentiate between their own religion and their ancestors’ nationalism! As far as they are concerned the Faith is just another ritualistic part of their 1950s time-capsuled culture (which was perpetuated in the suburbs of Australia). I wonder what the Fathers and Mothers of the Church would have thought of this situation – Orthodoxy that doesn’t include a relationship with God!

These children, who were dressed up in someone else’s national costume were easily 4th or 5th generation Australians. One has to wonder whether their parents will ever realise that establishing a sense of identity is difficult enough for a child, let alone when it’s not allowed to plant both feet firmly in one country. Rolling nationalism into religion is a particularly desperate attempt to keep alive an ethnicity (across generations), and unfortunately is being done at the expense of the Faith. Orthodox Christianity was never about Hellenistic culture and country it was about the universal worship of God! Anything that got in the way of that worship (being universal) was always modified, especially language that became incomprehensible and foreign nationalism that overruled theology! The Faith is also about accurate history, if you want to depict the soldiers at the tomb, they were Roman, not 19th century Evzones. And if you want to depict Christ – Christ was a Jew not some Hellenistic national! What “line” are we running here – that “God was, is and always will be Hellenic”!

I honestly fear for the future of my Church in this country, and I’m gravely concerned as to why the clergy continue to allow people to convert to this Faith when converts are not welcomed and do not have a place to call home for themselves.

My message to both the Orthodox Church in Australia and its priests is make up your minds – decide whether you want the Faith to be part of this country and if so, make appropriate changes that allow it to be accessible to all Australians (like separate missionary churches) – or – take these congregations, aka the glorious diaspora which seems to pine/long for the homeland, encourage them to sell off all their Australian assets and move to where there is no conflict of interest between nationalism and religion. After more than 60 years of this nonsense, it’s time to make a choice and either put down roots for both the descendants and converts of the Faith or pack it up and leave!

I, on the other hand will continue to live in Australia and continue to operate as an Orthodox Christian, even if I have nowhere to practice my Faith. To this day I do not have a single local church where I can attend all services in the language in which I think and write – and that language is and will always be English. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against running services in multiple languages – but please – start offering appropriate liturgies in the language of the land – after all, what country do we think this is!

Copyright © Vasilios Theodorakis 2010

That last link to a misaligned past
We discover, was discharged long ago.
Carried out, by an underhanded swipe
At the matriarch’s resolve;
Broken down, until she could stand it no longer
And with heavy heart signed away all inheritance.

There, on the far side of the blue, we fall on our knees – dumb founded.
The trees of Gethsemane had sustained
Our blood for 100’s of years,
But like in Palestine, we were betrayed by a kiss
Whose guilt was washed away
As easily as the sandy silt, at the base of those ancient trees.
And so, we are cut free at last.
Our link to Western Crete finally broken,
As even the land now belongs to another.

But the earth does not understand these human transactions,
And awaits the return of our feet.
Longing, for the trampling of soil;
Puzzled, by where the offspring have gone;
And hoping,
For a reunion that will never come!

So how do you tell the dust of your DNA,
That the 1000 year marriage
Of rascals to rocks, chaos to creativity, mania to morals
Is finally over?
I do not know.
I only sense, that like the mythical dragon
Whose once believing children have left to become adults,
The grove is forced to wander for eternity,
As her sadness can never be eased.

Dedication (For my grandmother Maria.)
Audio Version (To Be Added)
Copyright © Vasilios Theodorakis 2010

If I had had the ability to offer an honest prediction about my future when I was younger, I would have admitted that I didn’t know what life would be like 20 years down the track. Why? Because no one had taught me that you needed an income; no one explained that you needed somewhere to live and no one conveyed the need for family, friends, and maybe a partner in order to survive in society.

Instead, I was brought up to believe that the only important thing in life was getting a degree – everything else would take care of itself. Ironically, the parent who forced this philosophy on me ended up being so threatened that I might become “a better person” than them, that they sabotaged my ability to complete that degree. In the end, not only did I not have the basic skills and resources for living, the one thing that I had been told was the panacea for all life’s needs never came to pass – i.e. I never did get that degree (at least not in the field that I loved – science).

As I had no guidance in what was important in life, I experienced real difficulties in making decisions that helped those things happen. Anything that I did manage to get in place was nothing short of miraculous. Combine this foundation-less start with some serious medical conditions and I entered a state of limbo from age 18 to 33. Its only been through the help of strangers (not family) that I’ve been able to put in place, during the last ten years, what most people (in Western counties) have in place by the time they’re 25.

So today, as I turn 43 and the important things in life are finally part of my day to day experience, I find that I have a vision of a future and enough ability and resources to hopefully make things happen. I also have the love and support of good people and hopefully the ability to still have a family.

Time as always is the great leveler, and I have no idea if I’ll be delegated enough of it to turn thoughts into realities before I suffer a systemic shutdown of my body. I live in hope however, that the metronome forgets about me just long enough, that I might carry out some fancy footwork and leave behind completed legacies not partialities.

More than most however, I know that time doesn’t choose favourites and I don’t expect it to do me any favours. In the end it boils down to just one thing – continuing to express oneself in the world for as long as one can. Everything else is just human philosophy and rhetoric – nothing more.

Copyright © Vasilios Theodorakis 2010

As an Orthodox Christian I’m directed to “focus on God, move towards God, and be like God” in everything that I do. As a human being however, I continue to fail miserably as an Orthodox Christian.

Blessed with the genetics of Cretan pirates and dollops of PTSD drawn from far too many near death experiences, I find my attempts to reach for sainthood hobbled by thoughts of pummeling the evil I encounter in humanity. Sure, one might argue, doing away with evil can’t be such a bad thing, but these thoughts often involve the “ripping apart” limb by limb of individuals who carry out these evil acts. Somehow I don’t think this approach follows the ways of a loving God – at least not the examples that Christ left us.

As I struggle with these things on a daily basis, finding some days worse than others, the passions created by both my genetics and my experiences taunt me to hit out at those without a conscience (even though I have never physically hit anyone in my life). Fortunately, these thoughts are countered by one’s training in the Faith which teaches us to turn the other cheek (in a literal sense), and that it is God’s domain to address the wrongs that others have done unto us. Religious morality is also supported psychologically by social inhibitions that hold unsavoury thoughts in check as well as one’s possession of an ethical “free will” that continues in its determination to do no harm to others. As always it’s about one’s checks and balances – things that have allowed us to develop into functional societies, at least up until now.

The only comfort I draw from this personal struggle is that humanity as a whole suffers from this dichotomy of thought and inner conflict as well. The best example of this is how most civilised society’s espouse peace yet almost always maintain well armed defence forces.

I suppose it is part of our religious/spiritual nature to try and follow in the footsteps of our peacemakers – hoping that our enemies will leave us alone. As a biological species however, we continue to reserve the right to use big sticks to hit the bad guys over the head, especially when we fear losing ground to them while adhering to a philosophical pacifist approach.

Unfortunately, there’s an ongoing ethical dilemma to this situation and that is, if we choose to pick up the retribution stick we in turn become the bad guys. So much for sainthood – I therefore continue to be the unworthy and pitifully hopeless servant of God, even as I turn 43!

Copyright © Vasilios Theodorakis 2010

Each year on “Australia Day”, my wife and I visit the location of local Aboriginal midden grounds and pay our respects to the original people who lived on the land that we now live on. In 2009 I wrote the following piece for us to read each and every year until this country acknowledges and begins to respect its Aboriginal people and its Aboriginal past. Health permitting I intend to keep reading this out loud under the figs, next to the mangroves (in the park) every 26th of January, or at least until a more appropriate date for Australia Day is chosen.

“Paying Our Respects – 26th January 2010″

Today we remember our Indigenous brothers and sisters who have been murdered, beaten, raped, diseased, displaced, ignored and forgotten for 222 years.

We remember that they met here peacefully on this midden mound whose name we no longer know.

We remember that here they rested, discussed and resolved problems that the different clans of Quandamooka (Moreton Bay) encountered for thousands of years.

We remember that we are standing on land which they believed could not be owned by any one person but only looked after by the clan / their people – i.e. entrusted in guardianship for all time.

We remember that people belonged to the land but that the land did not belong to all people.

We remember that as a many Nationed peoples, they were invaded and that the land was never lawfully settled by the non-Indigenous peoples, as no treaties were ever signed with the original inhabitants, as no attempts were made to protect the original languages and culture, and that the original people’s presence was never acknowledged in any meaningful way.

Today we remember that choosing this day as the national day of the country is an insult to the surviving Indigenous Australians and disrespects the Indigenous people who died and suffered over the last 222 years. We look forward to a time when this county’s national day is inclusive of all Australians, when its flag represents all Australians and its Head Of State is answerable only to Australians.

Yet again we had the whole park to ourselves as we read this out loud and reflected on the day. None of the locals care to remember that the park is the burial ground of the indigenous people’s shell middens.

Cheers – Vasilios Theodorakis – January 2010

For any honest and genuine human being, the battle between the light and dark forces in the universe is very real. So real in fact, that almost everything else we do amounts to and counts for nothing.

Being drawn into the battle on yet another front, the year has not ended quite as I had hoped. My first anthology, “Growing Up” (1983 – 1990) is still not all online, and energy is temporarily having to be redirected to protect my family and myself.

This physical and metaphysical war is far from over, and I am obligated to continue in my endeavours until the job is done.

So I thank you, the reader for your patience with, and patronage of my material – in spite of the delays. My hope is that 2010 is a more successful year in terms of uploads.

Until then, you have all our best wishes (both my wife’s and mine) for a healthy new decade.

Take care and stay safe,

Cheers – Vasilios Theodorakis – January 2010

The third of the Three Parts poem is: Three Parts – Daisy. It captured a moment of peace in the midst of others bent on inflicting personal chaos and pain. I’m glad there is a written record of this moment – without the poem, it would be hard to believe that such moments of grace can be experienced during periods of misery.

The exact date of writing in January 1990 is unknown.

Cheers – Vasilios Theodorakis – December 2009

The second of the Three Parts poem is: Three Parts – House. Its a short piece about how parents can’t force a child to maintain a relationship with them even if they’re living under the same roof.

The exact date of writing in January 1990 is unknown.

Cheers – Vasilios Theodorakis – December 2009

There’s a poem that I wrote at the start of 1990 which was made up of three parts. Each part captured a different feeling I experienced while witnessing the incompetence of my parents in regards to their handling of the harsher aspects of life.

The overall poem is called Three Parts, even though each section has its own title. In order to highlight each piece, I’m releasing the components as separate posts. The poem includes Three Parts – Responsibilities, Three Parts – House, and Three Parts – Daisy.

This week’s component is therefore: Three Parts – Responsibilities. Its exact date of writing in January of 1990 is unknown. I’ve therefore estimated it as 06 January in order to accurately display its chronological order in relation to the other poems. The poem talks about how a dreamer was forced to “grow up” !

Cheers – Vasilios Theodorakis – November 2009