Vasilios Theodorakis – An Online Author

theodorakis.org is a digital repository of all my written work (in text and podcast formats)…

May 4, 2010

Burying The Brother Of A Friend

Filed under: General — Vasilios Theodorakis @ 9:56 pm

Tomorrow we bury the brother of a close friend, George. As is often the case in these circumstances, I never got to know Emmanuel as well as I could have, and now it’s too late.

What I do know is that he had a gentle and jolly soul – he never hurt or caused anyone trouble. Such a good person did not deserve to die so suddenly and so tragically. At the age of 41 he had a massive heart attack while at work – away from friends and family. I can only imagine his last moments must have been filled with fear and panic as to what was happening to his body. No one deserves to die so horribly scared – I just hope his suffering didn’t last long and he found peace soon after the attack.

In addition to this tragedy is the tragedy of his family. His father only died a few years ago and both brothers had been sick, experiencing medical complications most of their lives. I’ve often thought, though there is a lot of misery in the world, it is not evenly distributed. There are some who go through life almost charmed and there are others, like these boys (and their parents), who bear an uneven level of suffering compared to the rest of the population.

Emmanuel is survived by his mother and brother George, as well as numerous cousins, aunts and uncles.

“Eternal be, his memory”…
“Emmanuel was, is and will always be a brother in Christ”…

Copyright © Vasilios Theodorakis 2010

April 14, 2010

Closure

Filed under: General — Vasilios Theodorakis @ 2:31 pm

“Letting go of a dream is sometimes harder to cope with than death and dying.” Unless one’s had to do both its difficult to understand how this could be the case. Unfortunately I’ve had to abandon both my original dreams and cope with numerous near death experiences. For me, not being able to fulfill my dream of becoming a scientist, was much harder to deal with than medical conditions that could have ended my life at any moment!

This might not be the case for everyone, but was certainly the case for me. 25 years have now passed since I had to walk away from the idea of training and working in physics. At the time I didn’t realise the dream was unraveling and would never be fulfilled. Then again, in 1985 I was an above average “horribly blinkered” adolescent, who couldn’t see that anything else existed in life other than my one and only goal. The notion of not reaching that goal was (for me), far more horrific than death.

To emphasise what effect this had on me – years after I pulled out of my Science degree, I still had PTSD flashbacks during stressful events in my life. These flashbacks were not related to any near death experience but instead involved reliving a Pure Mathematics exam I had failed. For me – life ending, was more about leaving behind my dreams than physically dying (and being revived in hospital).

So how did I get past this blockage in life and let go of the unfulfilled dream? It took a long time but once I was able to find a new vehicle for my scientific interests, it was no longer an issue. i.e. it and I finally found a home in my Sci-Fi writing.

Does this mean that I’ve created real closure for the pain and loss I experienced all those years ago? I can’t say for certain, but what I do know is this – I don’t have the flashbacks anymore and that’s got to be a good sign. Psychologically speaking, no one ever fully recovers from extreme loss (this is a fact) – the passage of time just ensures its less intense. For example, today I have written and uploaded this posting from my old campus while working on my Sci-Fi manuscript at the university’s main library. This should have acted as a trigger factor and produced negative feelings (as occured in the past) but the experience has been nothing but positive. ;)

Copyright © Vasilios Theodorakis 2010

February 22, 2010

Birthday

Filed under: General — Vasilios Theodorakis @ 10:20 am

If I had had the ability to offer an honest prediction about my future when I was younger, I would have admitted that I didn’t know what life would be like 20 years down the track. Why? Because no one had taught me that you needed an income; no one explained that you needed somewhere to live and no one conveyed the need for family, friends, and maybe a partner in order to survive in society.

Instead, I was brought up to believe that the only important thing in life was getting a degree – everything else would take care of itself. Ironically, the parent who forced this philosophy on me ended up being so threatened that I might become “a better person” than them, that they sabotaged my ability to complete that degree. In the end, not only did I not have the basic skills and resources for living, the one thing that I had been told was the panacea for all life’s needs never came to pass – i.e. I never did get that degree (at least not in the field that I loved – science).

As I had no guidance in what was important in life, I experienced real difficulties in making decisions that helped those things happen. Anything that I did manage to get in place was nothing short of miraculous. Combine this foundation-less start with some serious medical conditions and I entered a state of limbo from age 18 to 33. Its only been through the help of strangers (not family) that I’ve been able to put in place, during the last ten years, what most people (in Western counties) have in place by the time they’re 25.

So today, as I turn 43 and the important things in life are finally part of my day to day experience, I find that I have a vision of a future and enough ability and resources to hopefully make things happen. I also have the love and support of good people and hopefully the ability to still have a family.

Time as always is the great leveler, and I have no idea if I’ll be delegated enough of it to turn thoughts into realities before I suffer a systemic shutdown of my body. I live in hope however, that the metronome forgets about me just long enough, that I might carry out some fancy footwork and leave behind completed legacies not partialities.

More than most however, I know that time doesn’t choose favourites and I don’t expect it to do me any favours. In the end it boils down to just one thing – continuing to express oneself in the world for as long as one can. Everything else is just human philosophy and rhetoric – nothing more.

Copyright © Vasilios Theodorakis 2010

February 20, 2010

Unsavoury Thoughts

Filed under: General — Vasilios Theodorakis @ 5:30 am

As an Orthodox Christian I’m directed to “focus on God, move towards God, and be like God” in everything that I do. As a human being however, I continue to fail miserably as an Orthodox Christian.

Blessed with the genetics of Cretan pirates and dollops of PTSD drawn from far too many near death experiences, I find my attempts to reach for sainthood hobbled by thoughts of pummeling the evil I encounter in humanity. Sure, one might argue, doing away with evil can’t be such a bad thing, but these thoughts often involve the “ripping apart” limb by limb of individuals who carry out these evil acts. Somehow I don’t think this approach follows the ways of a loving God – at least not the examples that Christ left us.

As I struggle with these things on a daily basis, finding some days worse than others, the passions created by both my genetics and my experiences taunt me to hit out at those without a conscience (even though I have never physically hit anyone in my life). Fortunately, these thoughts are countered by one’s training in the Faith which teaches us to turn the other cheek (in a literal sense), and that it is God’s domain to address the wrongs that others have done unto us. Religious morality is also supported psychologically by social inhibitions that hold unsavoury thoughts in check as well as one’s possession of an ethical “free will” that continues in its determination to do no harm to others. As always it’s about one’s checks and balances – things that have allowed us to develop into functional societies, at least up until now.

The only comfort I draw from this personal struggle is that humanity as a whole suffers from this dichotomy of thought and inner conflict as well. The best example of this is how most civilised society’s espouse peace yet almost always maintain well armed defence forces.

I suppose it is part of our religious/spiritual nature to try and follow in the footsteps of our peacemakers – hoping that our enemies will leave us alone. As a biological species however, we continue to reserve the right to use big sticks to hit the bad guys over the head, especially when we fear losing ground to them while adhering to a philosophical pacifist approach.

Unfortunately, there’s an ongoing ethical dilemma to this situation and that is, if we choose to pick up the retribution stick we in turn become the bad guys. So much for sainthood – I therefore continue to be the unworthy and pitifully hopeless servant of God, even as I turn 43!

Copyright © Vasilios Theodorakis 2010

January 1, 2010

End Of 2009

Filed under: General — Vasilios Theodorakis @ 8:20 pm

For any honest and genuine human being, the battle between the light and dark forces in the universe is very real. So real in fact, that almost everything else we do amounts to and counts for nothing.

Being drawn into the battle on yet another front, the year has not ended quite as I had hoped. My first anthology, “Growing Up” (1983 – 1990) is still not all online, and energy is temporarily having to be redirected to protect my family and myself.

This physical and metaphysical war is far from over, and I am obligated to continue in my endeavours until the job is done.

So I thank you, the reader for your patience with, and patronage of my material – in spite of the delays. My hope is that 2010 is a more successful year in terms of uploads.

Until then, you have all our best wishes (both my wife’s and mine) for a healthy new decade.

Take care and stay safe,

Cheers – Vasilios Theodorakis – January 2010

December 11, 2009

Site Update 049

Filed under: General — Vasilios Theodorakis @ 2:05 pm

The third of the Three Parts poem is: Three Parts – Daisy. It captured a moment of peace in the midst of others bent on inflicting personal chaos and pain. I’m glad there is a written record of this moment – without the poem, it would be hard to believe that such moments of grace can be experienced during periods of misery.

The exact date of writing in January 1990 is unknown.

Cheers – Vasilios Theodorakis – December 2009

December 4, 2009

Site Update 048

Filed under: General — Vasilios Theodorakis @ 7:45 pm

The second of the Three Parts poem is: Three Parts – House. Its a short piece about how parents can’t force a child to maintain a relationship with them even if they’re living under the same roof.

The exact date of writing in January 1990 is unknown.

Cheers – Vasilios Theodorakis – December 2009

November 27, 2009

Site Update 047

Filed under: General — Vasilios Theodorakis @ 2:20 pm

There’s a poem that I wrote at the start of 1990 which was made up of three parts. Each part captured a different feeling I experienced while witnessing the incompetence of my parents in regards to their handling of the harsher aspects of life.

The overall poem is called Three Parts, even though each section has its own title. In order to highlight each piece, I’m releasing the components as separate posts. The poem includes Three Parts – Responsibilities, Three Parts – House, and Three Parts – Daisy.

This week’s component is therefore: Three Parts – Responsibilities. Its exact date of writing in January of 1990 is unknown. I’ve therefore estimated it as 06 January in order to accurately display its chronological order in relation to the other poems. The poem talks about how a dreamer was forced to “grow up” !

Cheers – Vasilios Theodorakis – November 2009

November 6, 2009

Blog Break

Filed under: General — Vasilios Theodorakis @ 8:35 pm

Unfortunately, I’m having to take an unscheduled break from posting material to this blog. My “normal’ work is getting a bit out of control and I need to get it back under control before things get any more crazy.

When I start up again, I’ll be resuming and completing the upload of my first anthology i.e. – “Growing Up”, which was written between 1983 and 1990.

My next scheduled posting should be a poem that appears here on Friday 27th November 2009 – if not beforehand.

Till then…

Cheers – Vasilios Theodorakis – November 2009

October 28, 2009

Courage and Decency

Filed under: General — Vasilios Theodorakis @ 9:40 am

In spite of my ranting and raving there are still good people in the world – even if none exist in my own neighborhood! In western secular countries like Australia, you can still catch a glimpse of human decency especially if you stand still long enough and keep your eyes open wide enough.

For example, you see it in the woman who stops to help a young girl who’s dog has been run over on a major road. The woman makes a conscious choice to pull over when all other drivers pretend they don’t see anything going on and drive past the youngster’s tragedy.

You see it in the teacher who puts her pupils first, in spite of her back stabbing discriminatory colleagues who stop at nothing to get the cushy teaching jobs – year in, year out. The teacher has a habit of biting her tongue and getting on with the actual teaching, even though her own life has been made miserable by her co-workers.

You see it in the guy who continues to get up every morning even though all his hopes and dreams have been dashed by life’s unpredictability. In spite of his accumulated hardships, he continues to embark on new endeavors each and everyday – hoping that just one of them will bring some purpose to his life. He is the archetypal figure of stubbornness who refuses to give up on life, even though everyone else thinks life has given up on him.

Courage is a precious thing and cannot exist without decency. I have witnessed it first hand through these people and its rare occurrence continues to keep me going when the cowardice of the majority crashes over me like an insurmountable wave.

What people often miss, is that the courageous aren’t rich and have few resources to spare. They tend to become possessed (or is that obsessed) by the urge to manifest decency in the visible world and find it hard not to follow through on that urge. When they do achieve a win for their efforts, something or someone is often saved but the courageous rarely receive any personal gain. Alternately when they lose, the loss is always personal and sometimes substantial. The price the courageous pay can be financial, interpersonal, health based, or a loss of safety and security.

Years ago, I had the misfortune of listening in on a conversation led by an individual who had never lifted a finger in his life to help another human being. He was “slagging off” about a true hero, someone who had tried to save a drowning homeless person but instead drowned himself. The coward’s argument was that the dead hero should never have tried to save the homeless person, for the hero’s life was far more important than the homeless man’s life. If the hero had just minded his own business he would still be alive, and that’s all that mattered!

Such heartless attitudes, highlight how people’s social responses continue to be good or bad – right or wrong. Irrespective of whether you believe people’s responses can be categorized in this way or whether a God oversees such categories, a person can’t escape the repercussions of indifference as it has an uncanny ability to haunt one in the wee hours of the morn. For better or worse our human psyche is founded on such values and even the coward’s conscience will cause them distress until they either seek absolution for their lack of decency and/or die. Either way, a life that lacks decency eventually becomes meaningless.

I for one hope that I continue to grow in regards to decency, and believe that I’ll know when this occurs as my actions will become bolder and more courageous. My wife on the other hand, has nothing more to prove. She is already the most courageous person I know and everyone who encounters her always benefits from her decency – especially the children she teaches. ;)

Dedication (For my wife Helen and her friend Belinda Adams)
Copyright © Vasilios Theodorakis 2009

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