Closure
“Letting go of a dream is sometimes harder to cope with than death and dying.” Unless one’s had to do both its difficult to understand how this could be the case. Unfortunately I’ve had to abandon both my original dreams and cope with numerous near death experiences. For me, not being able to fulfill my dream of becoming a scientist, was much harder to deal with than medical conditions that could have ended my life at any moment!
This might not be the case for everyone, but was certainly the case for me. 25 years have now passed since I had to walk away from the idea of training and working in physics. At the time I didn’t realise the dream was unraveling and would never be fulfilled. Then again, in 1985 I was an above average “horribly blinkered” adolescent, who couldn’t see that anything else existed in life other than my one and only goal. The notion of not reaching that goal was (for me), far more horrific than death.
To emphasise what effect this had on me – years after I pulled out of my Science degree, I still had PTSD flashbacks during stressful events in my life. These flashbacks were not related to any near death experience but instead involved reliving a Pure Mathematics exam I had failed. For me – life ending, was more about leaving behind my dreams than physically dying (and being revived in hospital).
So how did I get past this blockage in life and let go of the unfulfilled dream? It took a long time but once I was able to find a new vehicle for my scientific interests, it was no longer an issue. i.e. it and I finally found a home in my Sci-Fi writing.
Does this mean that I’ve created real closure for the pain and loss I experienced all those years ago? I can’t say for certain, but what I do know is this – I don’t have the flashbacks anymore and that’s got to be a good sign. Psychologically speaking, no one ever fully recovers from extreme loss (this is a fact) – the passage of time just ensures its less intense. For example, today I have written and uploaded this posting from my old campus while working on my Sci-Fi manuscript at the university’s main library. This should have acted as a trigger factor and produced negative feelings (as occured in the past) but the experience has been nothing but positive. ;)